The wife's been moaning at me for a while as I've piled on the pounds and developed a 'spare tyre', so I went along to the doctor and asked if there was anything I can do.

He said, 'It's simple. Don't panic. Just do something a couple of times a week that gets you slightly out of breath.'

So I started smoking again ...

Harry is visiting his grandma. She complains about the high cost of living. 'When I was a girl, you could go out with a shilling and come back home with a dozen eggs, two pints of milk, a pound of bacon, half a pound of tea and a fresh chicken.'
'Yes,' says Harry, 'thats inflation for you.'
'Its nothing to do with inflation,' says grandma, 'its all those fucking security cameras they have nowadays.'

Despite the high cost of living, it remains hugely popular ...

My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that ...

Being a dyslexic at school, my English teacher always used to insult my grammar. I said, 'you never even met her.'