Being a dyslexic at school, my English teacher always used to insult my grammar. I said, 'you never even met her.'

A man hates his wifes cat so much, he drives to the next town and dumps it. When he gets home, its there ! Next day he drives 50 miles and dumps it. When he gets home, its there again ! So the next day he drives to the other side of the country and dumps it. One hour later he rings his wife and asks, 'is the cat home ?' 'Yes, why ?' asks his wife. 'Put the black and white bastard on,' he says, 'Im fucking lost ...'

http://www.oneplusyou.com/q/v/space_vacuum

A man stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'

The man left.

A few days later the same man stuck his head in the door and asked,
'How long before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'

The man left.

A week later the same man stuck his head in the shop and asked,'How long before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half.'

The man left.

The barber turned to a friend and said, 'Hey, Bill, do me a favour. Follow that bloke and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back.'

A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, 'So where does that bloke go when he leaves?'
Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said,

'Your house.'

A friend of mine tried to talk me into going to a party tonight. 'Come on,' he said, 'you might meet the woman of your dreams ...' I said, 'no, Im not sure I want to be seen in public with that filthy slut ...'

Stallone, Schwarzenegger, van Damme, and Seagal are sitting in a pub discussing forthcoming projects. Stallone says, 'why dont we do some sort of action movie about classical composers ? Ive always fancied playing Beethoven.' 'Brilliant,' says van Damme, 'Im sure I could play a mean Tchaikovsky.' Seagal nods and says, 'Ive got Rimsky-Korsakoff down pat, guys.' Schwarzenegger finishes his beer and says ... 'Ill be Bach ...'

Could you imagine if God turns out to be a woman ? Not only am I going to hell, but Ill never know why ...